Wuv, twue wuv

Lately, I find myself thinking of love and marriage.  This is all Denise's fault.  ;)  My favorite cousin Denise has found a great guy to marry.  The other Nate is smart, as evidenced by the fact he knows Denise is a keeper.  He likes to play games, likes my kids, and he is not creepy, all points in his favor.  He has a quirky sense of humor and being quirky myself, I appreciate that.  See, I like the guy.  As I told my other favorite cousin, Tom, a few years ago, "If you don't keep this one, we will keep this one and get rid of you."  Not a threat.

Anytime someone I love is embarking on this amazing, stunning, scary journey, there are so many things I want to say.  I don't have enough time chatting with Denise (and I miss her!) and I am the younger cousin and she probably does not want to hear it all anyway.  Instead, you my beloved readers (all three of you) will get to hear my thoughts on love and marriage.  I have only been married 12 years (God willing, that will be no more than 1/6 of the total time my husband and I will be together) but I have learned a few things that have saved my butt and my marriage.   I will also tell you a few things I should be doing, but I may not tell you which is which.

First, there is nothing and nobody more important than your spouse.  Seriously, after God himself, nothing and nobody should be swaying your thoughts, feelings or desires except your husband or wife.  If you find yourself sharing more of yourself with anyone or anything than with your spouse, you are chipping away at your marriage.  I call this a mental affair.  This does not just happen with the opposite sex either.  I caught myself spending more time chatting with my online friends than I spent chatting with my husband.  Ehh, innocent enough, I suppose, even beneficial, since these are all lovely, intelligent women, great moms and a few Titus 2 women mixed in.  Except, it was this little crack starting in my marriage relationship because I would forget to tell him things that I had told my friends.  I could see how easy it would be to alienate myself from my husband.  If I can not tell my husband about my worries and concerns, I am closing off a part of myself to him.  It was also indicative of a little relationship rot.  I mean, something is sick and needs to be fixed, if I am not trusting my spouse with my whole self.  Ditto on the things.  If you can make time to go golfing, fishing, gaming, swimming, whatever, you can find time to spend with your spouse at least once a week.  It is about priorities.  Now, with five homeschooled kiddos and a sick Dad, I don't always find time to spend with my husband once a week, just him and I.  I need to work on that, even if it is time spent together after the kids go to bed.  Oh, and time spent washing the dishes while I fold the clothes does NOT count!

Second, don't keep secrets from your spouse.  I mean, no secrets beyond surprises.  If you don't know where the line is, you are moving your line too often.  Let me spell it out.  You may keep to yourself what you are buying your husband for his birthday, or other holidays.   You may keep from your spouse that you are planning a surprise for him.  You may not keep anything else from him.  I know, that sounds so black and white and harsh.  I don't mean that you have to give your spouse a blow by blow account of every day of your life, present receipts and allow him to check your online history and phone records.  Nah, anyone who wants that much detail about every day of your life has problems (and you may not want to marry him!)  However, if you find yourself wanting to keep information from your spouse, there is a little crack in your relationship and it needs to be tended.  It is the things you don't want to tell your spouse that you most likely really need to tell.  It may seem like such a little thing, but if your spouse knows you are always open and honest with the little things, it is easier to trust you when the big things come along.

Third, give a little, compromise, be thoughtful; to speak all Christiany, die to yourself.  You are not the center of this marriage.  I heard my friend Elijah Ward's dad put it best at Elijah's wedding.  He said a good marriage was not a 50/50 partnership, but rather a 60/60 partnership.  Each person in the marriage should be trying to do a little more than the other is doing.  You could also say you should become a servant to your spouse.  I mean that in the way Christ was a servant, dying to present the church as His bride, perfect and holy to His Father.  In real world terms, that means little things like letting the toilet paper hang the way your spouse wants it, eating food you don't like every once in a while because your spouse cooked it or loves it, painting a couple rooms of the house in your spouse's favorite color.  It may also mean some bigger things, giving up some "me time", quitting your great job and moving so that your spouse can pursue that dream, having sex when you don't want to or not having sex when you really do want it.  Of course, in a marriage where both are dying to self, the little and big sacrifices balance out and nobody feels like they are the one giving everything up.  Although, season to season the giving up may be lopsided, it all comes out in the wash.

Don't let the sun go down on your anger.  This is huge.  Anger is a poisonous weed.  If you leave it to grow, it multiplies quickly, sending up little shoots of anger into every aspect of your marriage and it makes you sick.  You don't have to work out your difference of opinion and get to the point where you agree that  night.  You do have to stop arguing about it and admit that both of you have a valid view point.  You do have to remind yourself that you love this person, that you think they are smart, kind, loving, etc.  You need to check back in on what made you marry this person and turn to him or her and say "I love you and we need to talk about this, but it deserves more thought and a good night's sleep and I don't want to go to bed angry.  Please forgive me for what I have said and let's talk about it again later?"  Okay, you don't have to use that script, but the gist is necessary.  You may not be sorry about your viewpoint, but if you are not already, you will be sorry about rude or unloving words.  It also helps to put some distance to the argument, sometimes what seemed really important one day seems somewhat silly the next.  I also like praying and asking my spouse to pray over an issue. I can't tell you how many times, after praying, we have found ourselves completely on the same page when we weren't even in the same book before! 

Love is a verb.  Too many people think it is something you feel or fall into.  You may very well feel love for your spouse quite often and you may feel that you have fallen in love with your spouse and that is fantastic!  Just remember to make love a verb in your marriage.  Act on those feelings and love your spouse even when you don't feel those feelings.  Yeah, that is the hard part, the unnatural part, the mature part and the important part.  It is also amazing.  When I hit those times when I really want to hate my husband, if I choose to actively love him, I start to feel love for him again.  So, lets say he has failed to take the trash out to the road some animal comes along and rips into it spreading nastiness all over the yard.  I have a choice here.  I can fume, curse and talk about what an idiot he is and call him up at work and yell at him.  I can also take about a hundred deep breaths, remind myself of how much my husband loves me, how great he is with our kids, how goofy and funny he is and I can go out, clean up the trash and, when he gets home, nicely ask him to please take it to the dump on his way to work tomorrow.  I can also make it part of my week's work to put a note on the door the day before trash is to be picked up.  That is not so hard and it is certainly easier than doing it myself.  In short, I can choose to love my husband and be sweet to him. 

I wish I did all of these things all the time.  I wish I did some of them even some of the time.  I also know I have not covered everything (laughing, playing, eating and working together as often as possible and taking an interest in each other's hobbies, etc.) but this is just lessons learned from the first 12 years.  God willing, I will have many more years to learn so much more and I know that every moment I am given to live as my husband's wife, I am learning. 

I learned something a couple weeks ago that shocked me.  One evening, my husband was sick and napping on the couch.  I woke him up, so we could go up to bed.  He blinked his eyes, stared at me with this look of amazement, and in an awe filled voice he said "You're beautiful. You are so amazingly beautiful."  I looked behind me thinking "Oh my gosh, he is seeing something, maybe he was sicker than I thought." Then, I realized, he was looking at me and he really meant it.  He had no time to think up a compliment, I was hearing his immediate reaction upon waking to my face near his.  He always tells me I am beautiful, but I thought he was just saying it.  That night, I realized, he really means it.  I also realized, every woman should have a husband who truly thinks she is naturally and absolutely beautiful. 

So, as I get ready to haul my lovely large family up the coast line (just ahead of a hurricane!) I wanted to say something to Denise, who I hope will read this.  The best times are ahead of you.  You have had good times and bad times before this, but these will be the best because you have someone to share them with, the good, the bad and everything in between.  I know you will have a strong, fun, beautiful marriage and if Nate does not treat you well, I'll get in line to take my turn with him.  Nate, I really do like you lots, but, ya know, she's my big sister!  You are a brave man entering this family.  ;)