In a large family, Christmas can be tricky. Our family wants to keep the focus on Christ and we don't want to let Christmas get too materialistic or commercialized. Also, with 8 people opening gifts on Christmas morning, we can not just let everyone tear in. Well, we could let everyone tear in, but past experience has shown that the situation quickly dissolves into tears, tantrums and frustration and that is just my reaction. No, Christmas in a large family requires either a little organization or a lot of parental patience. The parental units in this family use up astronomical amounts of patience every day and would like to enjoy Christmas too, so we go with a little organization.
We have little traditions that are special to us. All of the children open a new pair of pajamas after Christmas Eve services, which is just a nice way to start Christmas fun that night and it helps get everyone excited about going to bed. We run a young adult ministry and the children help us put together college care packages at the very beginning of December. We also have each child put together an Operation Christmas Child Shoebox. They pick out all the things to put in and pack the box, with lots of parental assistance. This year we add the tradition of packing care packages for my brothers, one in the Air Force and one in the Marines, about to go out on his first deployment.
We feel these things help our family focus on the idea of Christ's arrival on Christmas morning being less about getting presents and more about giving. He came to die for us so that we could have the ultimate gifts, forgiveness for all of our sins and eternal life in Heaven. Having the children focus on serving others at Christmas time helps them to realize how blessed they are to have their house, family, toys, clothes and food. I think it has also helped curb the tendency toward "gimmies" in our children.
We also have done some kind of advent activity most years. One year I painted a Jesse Tree on our sliding glass door. www.jesse-trees.com/what-is-a-jesse-tree.html Every day we put an ornament up that was supposed to help us remember the story of Jesus' birth, death on the cross and resurrection. One year we just read a little bit about Jesus' life every day and opened one door on a traditional advent calendar. One year we did nothing at all because I never got my act together. This year, I think we will be doing this Names of Jesus activity -www.easyfunschool.com/article1679.html I think I may paint another tree on the sliding glass door, or, if I really get it together, I will pain the tree on felt and these ornaments can be attached to felt and it will be a great big Felt Board activity! YES! No! I have a newborn, I will probably just paint a simple tree trunk and branches on the sliding glass door, print the ornaments on simple paper and tape them up on the door. By the end of December, the ornaments will be tattered from being caught in the door over and over again. Whatever, we will have done something.
Presents can be a problem in a family with this many children. I want my children to give each other something. I know they want to give, too. However, if every sibling in this family gives every sibling a present, plus presents from parents, grandparents and friends, it is a bit much. Plus, the children all have limited incomes. Actually, they have no incomes at all. All the money they "make" comes from the money Dan makes. In the past, we have taken two children at a time to Five Below, the Dollar Store, Target, Big Lots, Walmart or some other inexpensive place to buy a gift for each of their siblings. This meant either each sibling was getting cheap junk that would be tossed in the trash by the end of the year or we spent a LOT of money.
Last year, I had each sibling make something for the other. That was sweet, lovely, a lot of work and somewhat unsuccessful. Ethan hand stitched teddy bears out of fleece for all of his siblings and every one of those teddy bears fell apart by the end of January. Jacob made crayons for all the siblings and those were fairly successful, but a bit of a mess. Really, J peeled and sorted the crayons and I was the one that did the rest. I can't really remember what I had Amelia do, so that speaks loudly, I suppose, of how successful it was. We are not totally giving up on the idea of hand made gifts. I think it is a great idea to have older children hand make things for their siblings. However, this year, I have a newborn and not enough time or energy to do the whole hand made Christmas idea.
This year, we drew names. I knew we would get to that eventually. I envisioned all of our children grown, married, with children of their own tossing all those many names into a hat and each person playing "Santa" for whoever they picked. As Dan and I were contemplating our budget for Christmas this year and the quality of gifts given in previous years, we decided the time for picking names was now. The only thing is, how do you get each child out to shop for their buddy without that buddy finding out and without having to take 5 or 6 separate trips. When it takes 30 minutes to get to a shopping place, you have to combine trips and no way was I adding one more stop to my grocery trip that many times! Thankfully, it ended up that all the boys are giving gifts to girls and vice versa. That was not engineered by us, it is just how the names were pulled. Whew. We will do two trips, one for the boys, with daddy, and they will buy all the girls gifts, including mine and the same for the girls, shopping with mommy. Easy.
I don't believe in asking children to make Christmas lists. First of all, the children change their lists as often as Brett Favre changes his retirement decisions (Oh, yes! A sports reference, albeit an old one.) Second, what if there is no way on God's green earth I am going to give my child anything on their list? Seriously, what if all Amelia wants is a pony for Christmas? We don't have the money or acreage for such an animal and Miriam is petrified of anything with 4 legs. So, rather than having each child make a list for themselves, I am having each child make a list of what they think each sibling would like to have. Aha, getting them to think of others first. Plus, this gives each person at least 4 ideas of what their buddy might like to have. It also will teach them to be grateful for the thought, attention and love that each of their siblings put into picking out a gift for them. We can also increase the amount each child spends. Instead of spending, lets say $5 on each of 5 siblings, they can spend $25 on one sibling and get something a little nicer. I am excited to see how this all turns out.
All of that helps keep our minds and hearts focused on the reason for the season, but the day itself can still be hectic without a few tools in place. First off, we have a baby gate at the top of our stairs. It is not used every night, unless we have a toddler who has free roam at night. However, it is always closed and locked on Christmas Eve. The children know they are not to go downstairs without us, but the gate helps them remember. We all go downstairs together. Okay, technically, I go first so that I can get photos of them coming down the stairs on Christmas morning.
Our Christmas Stockings are actually tools too. Dan and I recognized early on that our children really want to open all of their gift immediately, but they really need to eat something first. The stockings are a compromise. They usually include, healthy protein heavy trail mix, granola cereal bars, an apple, banana and orange, a few packets of hot cocoa or herbal tea, a little Christmas Candy and a few small toys. The children can open these things immediately and eat a few things and play with their few toys while Dan and I get breakfast started. We have scrambled eggs, cinnamon rolls and coffee, tea or hot chocolate for breakfast, then we open the rest of the gifts. This way, nobody is hungry and irrational while we open gifts, but they do get the immediate gratification of opening something.
We also designate Christmas Elves. One Elf takes care of the trash, one reads the tag, one delivers the gift to the proper recipient, one Elf keeps track of what was given for thank you notes, and one Elf helps the youngest child open their gifts. Generally, the older children have the jobs of reading tags and helping the littlest one open their gifts. Dan and I keep the thank you list. The littlest ones stay near us and the middle ones take turns delivering gifts to the recipient or taking care of trash. We only open one gift at a time, that way Dan and I can keep track of what was given. We do not open the packaging, just unwrap the gift. We have found, if toys are opened and played with while unwrapping is still happening, it is a certainty that parts will be lost. So, toys stay in the packaging until all unwrapping is done. We try to take turns opening gifts, but sometimes one of the children will get two or three gifts in a row because that is just how they are arranged under the tree. When it is time to open the actual packaging, Dan and I do that, again, to make sure no parts are lost.
Christmas toys stay in the living room for about a week or so. By the end of a week, I am usually ready to start finding permanent homes for these toys. That means, if we have not recently done a toy purge, we do one while Dan is home.
The last tradition of this holiday season, is to give one last, small gift to each other on Epiphany. This is the day we celebrate the wise men coming to visit the infant Jesus and presenting him with Frankincense, Gold and Myrrh. Of course, Jesus was not a new born when the Three Wise Guys (per Ethan, age 6) finally found their way to him, he was probably 2 or 3 and, I doubt he appreciated those gifts very much. He probably was more interested in the boxes they came in and/or whether they had good throwing or chewing value. Just my thoughts on the matter. However, I am certain that Mary and Joseph treasured those gifts greatly as yet another sign of the majesty of their son and the amazing things that were to come.
It does seem to require a little more work to have a fun Christmas in a large family, especially when the children are still young. However, there is nothing like the fun of all these children learning about and celebrating this most important season, all at home together. It is worth the work.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
To Aunt Doodle
In February 2008, my Aunt Sue was very ill and many of us anticipated she was going to die. However, it happened far faster than expected. I had intended to go down and see her again, with my youngest, while she was alive. Having foolishly postponed that trip, under the errant belief that she would be home from the hospital soon, I was faced instead with the trip to Texas for her funeral. I made fast arrangements, packed up my 13 month old son and got on a plane for Dallas.
It was just me and Isaac travelling. Since my Uncle Gene had to go ahead to Aunt Sue's hometown to make arrangements for her funeral, he would not be there to greet me. I landed in Dallas, rented a car, installed a car seat, wrangled my cranky toddler into the car and praised God for the GPS unit I rented, since it helped me to find my way. It also kept encouraging me to turn right onto a railroad track, but never mind that it did not like me, it helped me get to Uncle Gene and Aunt Sue's. Walking into that house was so strange. My Aunt Sue was the energetic sort who always had something going on. She and Uncle Gene had wanted children but had never been able to have any of their own. Aunt Sue filled that void by loving on her nieces and nephews and all neighbor children who crossed her path. Walking into a house without that energy, warmth and noise made it clear that Aunt Sue was gone. I felt so alone. I made myself and Isaac as comfortable as I could and tried to sleep.
The next day, I drove four hours to the town where Aunt Sue would be buried. I met up with Uncle Gene and Uncle Doug and we had the funeral, burial and lunch after. It was amazing how many people came up and told me how glad they were I was there and how glad Aunt Sue would be that Isaac was there. This was especially comforting to hear as Isaac played and danced on graves at her burial. I know this would have been highly inappropriate at most funerals, but I know, had Aunt Sue been there, she would have been playing with him and cuddling him close enough to make him squirm. That night my Uncle Gene, Uncle Doug, Isaac and I stayed at the home of one of Aunt Sue's cousins. That was where I met my Aunt Sue's Aunt Doodle.
Aunt Doodle was very old and obviously somewhat on the delicate side. However, she cooked for us and loved on Isaac and hugged me in exactly the same way Aunt Sue would have. Throughout the trip family members of my Aunt could not seem to stop hugging and kissing on cheeks. Isaac had be snuggled and passed around and enjoyed and loved on. I was beginning to truly understand where Aunt Sue got her love for children and learned how to express that love. Aunt Doodle was the epitome of this love. She was lovely and sweet. She and her daughter made sure that we felt welcome and comfortable. They truly treated us like family they knew and loved, though this was the first time I had ever met any of them.
Over a year later, just after Christmas, I was nearly ready to have our daughter Miriam and I was running out of patience with being so hugely pregnant. I was also having one of those days in which the children were doing their utmost to try my patience and make me wonder why I love them so much. I sought respite on the porch and two of them tried to follow me. I had to bite my tongue to keep from snapping at them to go away. I managed to convince them they were not missing anything exciting and I was not running away.
They went back in the house and I wandered to the end of the driveway, hoping a few minutes of sunshine and fresh air would equip me to finish the day ahead. There in the mail box was a totally unexpected pick me up. The card started "Dearest Sweet Sara, I am your Aunt Sue's Aunt Doodle. I was thinking of you and your beautiful family." It was a warm, sweet, loving card and emphasized what a blessing she felt Isaac and I were to her during the time of Aunt Sue's funeral.
I sat on my porch swing and cried. I thought about my Aunt Sue and how she would have loved to meet the little one who was about to be born. It made me sad that she would never meet this daughter of mine on this side of Heaven. I also was thinking of how truly loved and welcome I felt when I was with her family. I found myself thanking God for the angel in human skin who had loved us so well for those two short days. Here she was again, brightening a difficult and dark day. She signed the card "Your Aunt Doodle." What a true blessing that card was.
I made sure to send her a birth announcement, but that year we did not send Christmas cards and I don't think I heard from her again. I thought of her often as I ran across her card in unexpected places. This year, I decided to send her a copy of our family picture and a Christmas card to tell her what a lovely woman she is and a blessing to me. I hoped it would brighten her day as she had brightened mine and I knew she would appreciate seeing all of the children.
Today, I received a card from her daughter. As soon as I saw the address I knew what had happened. The card explained that last September, Aunt Doodle had a fall and broke her hip and arm. Six weeks later, while getting herself into her wheelchair, she fell again, suffered a brain hemorrhage and died. She thanked me for remembering her mother and sending such a lovely card and picture of my precious family. I found myself crying over the loss of a woman I had met once and "spoken" to twice. She had touched me and in so doing had brightened and softened a little part of my heart.
I believe God has heart tenderizing people scattered in our lives. They are the people who do such a wonderful job of thoroughly loving everyone around them. I don't know what it was exactly about Aunt Doodle, but I felt like she took a special liking to me. In reality, I know she was simply one of those amazing souls who makes every single person in her world feel special and loved. I have been blessed to have a few such people in my life. I wish I knew how these people manage to love like that.
I shared all this because such a sweet woman should be remembered. I also shared because I wanted to assure people that little things matter. I treasure thank you notes and cards that are sent to me. I know I am not the only one. It seems some people want to make the grand gesture, or nothing at all. A card sent to someone who is sick, or just someone you were thinking of, can brighten that person's day. A phone call can do the same. I suppose a text or email can too, but there really is something about a card, with handwritten words that just has more feeling to it. Maybe because it takes more effort to buy the card, write the note, seal the envelope, buy the stamps and send the card, than it does to shoot off an email. I know that I neglect a lot of people and there are probably some reading this now thinking, "Huh, a tad hypocritical of you, Sara." Yeah, I know. I am not talking about me here, just saying, we all could stand to learn a lot from the Aunt Doodles of the world.
To my Aunt Sue's Aunt Doodle (who became my Aunt Doodle, even if for just a short while), Thank you for loving me unselfishly and without gain. Thank you for being a little bit of God's love in human skin. You surely will be remember by many more people than you ever could have thought possible. Thank you, God, for placing people on this earth who give us just a small taste of how You love us.
It was just me and Isaac travelling. Since my Uncle Gene had to go ahead to Aunt Sue's hometown to make arrangements for her funeral, he would not be there to greet me. I landed in Dallas, rented a car, installed a car seat, wrangled my cranky toddler into the car and praised God for the GPS unit I rented, since it helped me to find my way. It also kept encouraging me to turn right onto a railroad track, but never mind that it did not like me, it helped me get to Uncle Gene and Aunt Sue's. Walking into that house was so strange. My Aunt Sue was the energetic sort who always had something going on. She and Uncle Gene had wanted children but had never been able to have any of their own. Aunt Sue filled that void by loving on her nieces and nephews and all neighbor children who crossed her path. Walking into a house without that energy, warmth and noise made it clear that Aunt Sue was gone. I felt so alone. I made myself and Isaac as comfortable as I could and tried to sleep.
The next day, I drove four hours to the town where Aunt Sue would be buried. I met up with Uncle Gene and Uncle Doug and we had the funeral, burial and lunch after. It was amazing how many people came up and told me how glad they were I was there and how glad Aunt Sue would be that Isaac was there. This was especially comforting to hear as Isaac played and danced on graves at her burial. I know this would have been highly inappropriate at most funerals, but I know, had Aunt Sue been there, she would have been playing with him and cuddling him close enough to make him squirm. That night my Uncle Gene, Uncle Doug, Isaac and I stayed at the home of one of Aunt Sue's cousins. That was where I met my Aunt Sue's Aunt Doodle.
Aunt Doodle was very old and obviously somewhat on the delicate side. However, she cooked for us and loved on Isaac and hugged me in exactly the same way Aunt Sue would have. Throughout the trip family members of my Aunt could not seem to stop hugging and kissing on cheeks. Isaac had be snuggled and passed around and enjoyed and loved on. I was beginning to truly understand where Aunt Sue got her love for children and learned how to express that love. Aunt Doodle was the epitome of this love. She was lovely and sweet. She and her daughter made sure that we felt welcome and comfortable. They truly treated us like family they knew and loved, though this was the first time I had ever met any of them.
Over a year later, just after Christmas, I was nearly ready to have our daughter Miriam and I was running out of patience with being so hugely pregnant. I was also having one of those days in which the children were doing their utmost to try my patience and make me wonder why I love them so much. I sought respite on the porch and two of them tried to follow me. I had to bite my tongue to keep from snapping at them to go away. I managed to convince them they were not missing anything exciting and I was not running away.
They went back in the house and I wandered to the end of the driveway, hoping a few minutes of sunshine and fresh air would equip me to finish the day ahead. There in the mail box was a totally unexpected pick me up. The card started "Dearest Sweet Sara, I am your Aunt Sue's Aunt Doodle. I was thinking of you and your beautiful family." It was a warm, sweet, loving card and emphasized what a blessing she felt Isaac and I were to her during the time of Aunt Sue's funeral.
I sat on my porch swing and cried. I thought about my Aunt Sue and how she would have loved to meet the little one who was about to be born. It made me sad that she would never meet this daughter of mine on this side of Heaven. I also was thinking of how truly loved and welcome I felt when I was with her family. I found myself thanking God for the angel in human skin who had loved us so well for those two short days. Here she was again, brightening a difficult and dark day. She signed the card "Your Aunt Doodle." What a true blessing that card was.
I made sure to send her a birth announcement, but that year we did not send Christmas cards and I don't think I heard from her again. I thought of her often as I ran across her card in unexpected places. This year, I decided to send her a copy of our family picture and a Christmas card to tell her what a lovely woman she is and a blessing to me. I hoped it would brighten her day as she had brightened mine and I knew she would appreciate seeing all of the children.
Today, I received a card from her daughter. As soon as I saw the address I knew what had happened. The card explained that last September, Aunt Doodle had a fall and broke her hip and arm. Six weeks later, while getting herself into her wheelchair, she fell again, suffered a brain hemorrhage and died. She thanked me for remembering her mother and sending such a lovely card and picture of my precious family. I found myself crying over the loss of a woman I had met once and "spoken" to twice. She had touched me and in so doing had brightened and softened a little part of my heart.
I believe God has heart tenderizing people scattered in our lives. They are the people who do such a wonderful job of thoroughly loving everyone around them. I don't know what it was exactly about Aunt Doodle, but I felt like she took a special liking to me. In reality, I know she was simply one of those amazing souls who makes every single person in her world feel special and loved. I have been blessed to have a few such people in my life. I wish I knew how these people manage to love like that.
I shared all this because such a sweet woman should be remembered. I also shared because I wanted to assure people that little things matter. I treasure thank you notes and cards that are sent to me. I know I am not the only one. It seems some people want to make the grand gesture, or nothing at all. A card sent to someone who is sick, or just someone you were thinking of, can brighten that person's day. A phone call can do the same. I suppose a text or email can too, but there really is something about a card, with handwritten words that just has more feeling to it. Maybe because it takes more effort to buy the card, write the note, seal the envelope, buy the stamps and send the card, than it does to shoot off an email. I know that I neglect a lot of people and there are probably some reading this now thinking, "Huh, a tad hypocritical of you, Sara." Yeah, I know. I am not talking about me here, just saying, we all could stand to learn a lot from the Aunt Doodles of the world.
To my Aunt Sue's Aunt Doodle (who became my Aunt Doodle, even if for just a short while), Thank you for loving me unselfishly and without gain. Thank you for being a little bit of God's love in human skin. You surely will be remember by many more people than you ever could have thought possible. Thank you, God, for placing people on this earth who give us just a small taste of how You love us.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Because You Should!
No time to blog, so this one will not be edited. I was sitting here, wasting time I should spend some other way, E came up and told me he wiped all the counters off and the kitchen was ready for me to make biscuits. I told him, "Thank you! I knew I loved you for some good reason!" and put my hand out to catch his 'five'. This began a game of 'slap catch'. You know the game, you try to catch the person's hand when they are giving you five and they try to not be caught. He was really good, so I finally looked at him and was smiling at the look of sheer determination on his face. He was determined to not be caught by my hand. I was not even close to catching him. He started just sticking his finger on my hand and then he suddenly pulled back. He got this funny, kinda wicked look on his face. Then, suddenly, he threw his arms around me and gave me a big hug and held on. I wrapped my arms around him and held on until HE was ready to let go.
Why is it so important I wait until HE is ready to let go? Well, how many of those impromptu, unsolicited hugs from my Fabulous Firstborn will be coming my way in the near future? He is getting so big, 10 years old, tall enough to make people think he is way older, hands starting to look like little man hands, and his feet are doing the same. It won't be long before he may not want to hug me as much, then he won't be around as much and then, before I know it, I will blink and my firstborn will be out on his own. I will blink again and he will be introducing me to a young woman he is interested in. Another blink and he will be presenting me with beautiful red headed grand babies. Just a blink and he will be off in his own life.
When the opportunity is presented, I hold on, tight, so tight. I thank him for the hug and I tell him I love him. In my brain, it is a moment of worship, not of my E, though he is amazing, no, it is a moment to worship God, who created this amazing kid! All I could think was "Oh, thank you God! Thank you! We truly are fearfully and wonderfully made. I know this full well. Thank you for giving me this boy. I know he is yours and you could have given him to any woman on the planet. You let me be his mom and I am soo blessed to have him. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" One little hug and I have tears in my eyes and my breath taken away. This is what moms need to know. One little hug can change your whole day.
So, hug your kids, not just the little sideways obligatory hugs! Scoop them up, squeeze them, love them, tell them they are wonderful and that you are so glad they are your kiddos! Don't blink when you don't have to. Hug them when they want to be hugged, not just because you should, but because someday you will want to and they won't be as easy to get a hold of.
Why is it so important I wait until HE is ready to let go? Well, how many of those impromptu, unsolicited hugs from my Fabulous Firstborn will be coming my way in the near future? He is getting so big, 10 years old, tall enough to make people think he is way older, hands starting to look like little man hands, and his feet are doing the same. It won't be long before he may not want to hug me as much, then he won't be around as much and then, before I know it, I will blink and my firstborn will be out on his own. I will blink again and he will be introducing me to a young woman he is interested in. Another blink and he will be presenting me with beautiful red headed grand babies. Just a blink and he will be off in his own life.
When the opportunity is presented, I hold on, tight, so tight. I thank him for the hug and I tell him I love him. In my brain, it is a moment of worship, not of my E, though he is amazing, no, it is a moment to worship God, who created this amazing kid! All I could think was "Oh, thank you God! Thank you! We truly are fearfully and wonderfully made. I know this full well. Thank you for giving me this boy. I know he is yours and you could have given him to any woman on the planet. You let me be his mom and I am soo blessed to have him. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" One little hug and I have tears in my eyes and my breath taken away. This is what moms need to know. One little hug can change your whole day.
So, hug your kids, not just the little sideways obligatory hugs! Scoop them up, squeeze them, love them, tell them they are wonderful and that you are so glad they are your kiddos! Don't blink when you don't have to. Hug them when they want to be hugged, not just because you should, but because someday you will want to and they won't be as easy to get a hold of.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Celebrating 10 Years
As of yesterday, I have been at this parenting gig ten years. Here is what I have learned, in no particular order.
Labor is labor. No matter how long or short, it is hard work.
When your baby is born, it is as if a piece of your heart is now outside of your body and oh so vulnerable!
You don't know what love is until you hold your baby.
My pre-parenting self and my current self are two totally different people and I like them both!You can not hold a baby too much.
It is okay to put your baby down and go breathe for a minute, if necessary.
Babywearing is amazing!
It is okay to do things differently than everyone else.
Toddlers are too much fun to be considered scary, so celebrate those first steps! You now have someone to help you with housework!
The 'terrible twos' are rather terrific, but watch out for the Frightening Fours!Your children can lose teeth and you don't have to reward them for it!
Six and seven year olds know the rules better than you do and they know who is breaking them.
Six and seven year olds are not required to follow those rules, so they think.
Children should contribute to the world around them and to their family's well being.
You can never have too many children.
You will not love one child the same way you love the others and that is okay.
The amazing thing about having children is that the love grows and multiplies and becomes like a web holding the whole family up.
Each child will need to be disciplined and raised differently, because each child IS different. Treating them all the same would be truly unfair.
Lots of moms have favorites, the good ones make sure their children never know.
There is enough busyness in my house that visitors don't notice a little mess!
I know the difference between good noise and bad noise.
I can spot a hungry baby at 30 paces and it hurts when the mama won't feed the baby.
You should never yell at a mama for not feeding her baby, you don't want to make motherhood any harder for her than it already is and she probably thinks she can't feed her baby right now.
A kind word spoken to a mother blesses her and all of her children, thus brightening a handful of lives!
I would kill for my kids and part of me would die if they were seriously hurt.
I can't do this job perfectly, no matter how hard I try.
Watching my children converse intelligibly with each other was a milestone nobody told me to watch for, but it is amazing!There are days I dread getting up, but one little smile can turn it all around.
I don't have to cook foods that everyone likes all the time, they will not starve overnight.
It is incredibly important that my children learn to obey and respect me when they are young. If they can't do it then, when will they? If they can't obey and respect the woman who gave birth to them (and is loving to them) who will they obey and respect?
Every mom truly does think her child/ren are the cutest, smartest, sweetest, etc.
Most moms are smart enough not to tell you they think their child is better than yours.
Surround yourself with the kind of mom you want to be and it will be an easier goal to acheive.
People who call their kids names when they are calm and the kids are not around are not people I want to spend time with.
Babies really do grow up far too fast, but if you study them while they sleep, you will see the baby is still there, until they are about 6.
Even ten-year-olds sometimes need their mommy to come and hold them.
When your biggest kid needs a hug or wants to cuddle DO IT, NOW, no matter what.
Hugs and cuddles expire without warning.
The days and nights are long, but the years go by quickly.
I would do anything for my kids, but sometimes the best thing I can do for them is nothing, that is hard.
Ten-year-olds smell funny, act funny, talk funny, walk funny, look funny and yet you love them.
Children convict you of your own habits and bad behaviors better than anything on this planet.
Motherhood is the hardest and most important job I will ever do.
Sadly, while many people pay lip service to the idea of motherhood being important, the
actions of society as a whole say that if a woman makes childrearing the focus of her adult life she is wasting her time, talents and energy.
Make sure you set aside every little positive comment you receive about your children, cherish and be thankful for each one. Someday, they may be difficult and you will need to remember those positive comments!
Moms can not quit on their children, not ever.
I see more beauty around me and enjoy life more, now that I have children.
Knowing what I know now, all the pain, exhaustion, hard labor, long nights, hugs, kisses, firsts and joys experienced in the past ten years, if given the chance, I would go back and do it all over again, no hesitation!
Children really are a blessing and I praise God for letting me be a mom!
Happy Birthday to my Polar Bear, Chug Bug, Big E, E-man, Little Guy, The Puker, Sir Barfs-a-Lot, First Sweet, Gangly Guy, Little Dude, hot tempered, sweet souled, on fire first born! Who knew one little baby could make so many changes?
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Reuse Those Old Duds, Darlin'
I love giving my clothes, and whatever else I no longer need, to people who can use them. However, there comes a time when an item, no matter how lovely, cute or useful it once was, must die. I consider myself to be the place where old baby clothes come to die. If I receive a hand-me-down item of baby clothing with stains on it, I will treat and wash it once, if the stain does not come out, it is retired to my fabric pile and made useful. I will not throw an item out if I can come up with a use for it, but I will not pass stained or ripped stuff on.
I feel guilty buying fabric to make things when so many things have fabric that I can use long after the original garment will no longer work. A stain on the shoulder of a t-shirt means it really can not be worn out of the house, but the rest of the fabric is fine and can be used. Think back a hundred years. When a garment was no longer good for it's original use, the fabric was repurposed and if nothing else it was put in the rag bag or might be made into a quilt. This is my version of the same.
In no particular order, here are things I have done or heard of being done with various items that have outlived their original use. In some cases a serger or sewing machine make these projects easier or things last longer, but in other cases a pair of scissors is all you need.
Towels When they raggedy or worn thin in spots you can -
Cut them down and use them for dirtier jobs, bleach jobs, etc.
Cut down, serge on the sides and use as wash cloths, diaper wipes, face wipes. These are good to have in a bag in the car for cleaning messy faces. I keep a bottle of water in the car, get one at a time wet as I need them and scrub away. They get the job done and don't leave stickiness or a funky smell in their wake.
Use a big bath towel that has gotten raggedy on the edges to make a pillow case for your throw pillows. I am planning to do this so that I can easily cover the pillows when a child is sick and spending time on the couch. That way the pillow case is absorbent and washable and maybe it will save your nice couch pillows from the possible yuck.
We also have simply cut off the strings and retired towels to the rag drawer for catching spills in the kitchen and wiping dirty paws and feet.
Wedding Dresses and Other Fancy, Never Going To Wear Again, Duds
I know, in some cases a daughter or daughter-in-law may want to wear a wedding dress. Then again, in many cases the size is not going to work and can not be made to work and sometimes a dress is...errrr....not timeless. Here are some other ways to save the sentimental items.
Use the material from a wedding dress to make a baptism gown, first communion gown, or ring pillow. These items can then be passed around for generations and be heirlooms.
Use some material to make a fancy cover for a wedding album.
Beads could be restrung and given as a gift to a young girl when she reaches a certain age. Even if they are not pricey, they hold sentimental value.
Lace can be saved to be used on a future wedding dress.
Lining material can be made into a playsilk, or play skirt for a little girl, or as a slip or liner for another dress.
Or, you could follow my mother's upcycling technique and let your dog sleep on your wedding dress. Ahem. :)
T-shirts
Cut into 2 inch wide strips, braid three of these strips together, as you get close to the end of one strip, you sew another on to the end (adding length) and continue braiding until you have a long coil of braid. Once you have lots of braid coiled up (you can use lots of color shirts and add on as tees wear out) you stitch them together in a circle, heart, oval, square, whatever and you have a throw rug. Some people do this with their white undershirts and sorta tie dye the braid before sewing. Pretty cool.
Make fitted diapers out of them - yes really, there are tutorials online here www.naturalviolet.blogspot.com/2009/04/recycled-t-shirt-diaper.html and here you can just use the t-shirt as a diaper, not cutting needed, cool! www.youtube.com/watch?v=XL7ZF3jlVgc
Use a serger to make them into face cloths, diaper wipes, etc.
Of course, soft tees make great dust cloths.
A little creative cutting and ribbon makes a super cute dress for a little girl look online for t-shirt made into dress tutorials. Ohhh, I can't find the tutorial! This one is complex, but great! www.indietutes.blogspot.com/2007/06/adult-tee-to-childs-dress-recon.html What I did was more like this pillow case tutorial, I just cut the sleeves off an old shirt of mine. www.everythingsewing.net/pillowcase_dress_how_to.htm
Denim
Cut offs, really, you knew that already, right? I have serged, rolled and put a few quick stitches in to make for nicer denim shorts. Not the most stylish things, but my boys really do not care.
Make a pair of jeans into a skirt using an online tutorial. www.savvyseams.com/clothing/jeanskirt.php
What about when the tear is in the crotch (hard to repair) and what about the fabric you cut off below that nasty knee tear? AHA!
Save these scraps and unuseable denim pants. Cut the good fabric on them into 6" or 8" squares, you can incorporate any fancy trim or pockets for a funky look. Sew them together with flannel squares on the back. Leave the edges raw so they fray and you have a great picnic quilt. I got this idea from the amazing Deb of Diapers by Deb at http://www.madebymama.com/. Here is a tutorial I found www.patchwork-and-quilting.com/rag-quilt.html I am working on one of these this winter and will post pictures when I finish it.
You can also save the long bits that are left over after you cut the squares off the legs and give them the same treatment we gave the t-shirts. That's right, make a braided rug. However, sewing these bad boys is not for the faint of heart! www.craftown.com/instruction/rugs.htm
What about the butt part? Make a cute purse. You could even make the straps by braiding denim strips together. Suggested by Liz. I would leave the lining out, but I guess that does make it nicer. www.threadbanger.com/post/2642/how-to-turn-old-jeans-into-a-sweet-new-purse
Children's pants
Dress pants with tattered knees get the cut off treatment, serged, rolled and stitched to make dressy shorts.
Sweat pants with tattered knees get the cut off treatment.
The legs of those sweats are cut open to lay flat, anything hard (elastic or a seam) is cut off. Then, I cut the fabric into appropriate lengths to use as diaper liners. The fabric is thick enough to keep diaper rash cream away from your diapers! After a use or two I don't feel bad throwing these away (the rash cream never completely washes out and WILL affect the absorbency of your diapers, so DO NOT wash liners with diapers!)
Other odds and ends
When flannel shirts are past their prime they are often soft. If that is the case, I will cut them into handkerchiefs for the kids. These are not necessarily pretty, but they get the job done and don't rub little faces raw. Also, flannel scraps are used to make the back of the denim quilt above!
I replaced the fabric on my dining room chairs and used the old fabric to make dish cloths. The fabric is really nubby and does a GREAT job of scrubbing.
Just about any material can be made into a diaper. If you have thought about switching to cloth diapers, but cringed at the cost, consider making your own from worn out clothing you already have or can find at thrift stores. I would reccomend using hemp, microfiber or at least flannel for the absorbent inner parts, but that would still make for a really cheap, just as effective diaper and leave you only purchasing the PUL covers. You could also go to the thrift store, buy old wool sweaters and make those into covers!
A friend recently used parts of old favorite pants to make a cute skirt. The waist was a waistband from a comfy pair of pants and she used legs from pants to create panels. Enough panels sewn together and sewn to the waist band and voila, a cute, free and comfy skirt! I would totally do this with pants that I no longer can wear, if I still love the pattern.
I know not all of these ideas would be appealing to everyone, but I hope this will make you think twice before you throw away an item of clothing that looks like it is beyond redemption.
I feel guilty buying fabric to make things when so many things have fabric that I can use long after the original garment will no longer work. A stain on the shoulder of a t-shirt means it really can not be worn out of the house, but the rest of the fabric is fine and can be used. Think back a hundred years. When a garment was no longer good for it's original use, the fabric was repurposed and if nothing else it was put in the rag bag or might be made into a quilt. This is my version of the same.
In no particular order, here are things I have done or heard of being done with various items that have outlived their original use. In some cases a serger or sewing machine make these projects easier or things last longer, but in other cases a pair of scissors is all you need.
Towels When they raggedy or worn thin in spots you can -
Cut them down and use them for dirtier jobs, bleach jobs, etc.
Cut down, serge on the sides and use as wash cloths, diaper wipes, face wipes. These are good to have in a bag in the car for cleaning messy faces. I keep a bottle of water in the car, get one at a time wet as I need them and scrub away. They get the job done and don't leave stickiness or a funky smell in their wake.
Use a big bath towel that has gotten raggedy on the edges to make a pillow case for your throw pillows. I am planning to do this so that I can easily cover the pillows when a child is sick and spending time on the couch. That way the pillow case is absorbent and washable and maybe it will save your nice couch pillows from the possible yuck.
We also have simply cut off the strings and retired towels to the rag drawer for catching spills in the kitchen and wiping dirty paws and feet.
Wedding Dresses and Other Fancy, Never Going To Wear Again, Duds
I know, in some cases a daughter or daughter-in-law may want to wear a wedding dress. Then again, in many cases the size is not going to work and can not be made to work and sometimes a dress is...errrr....not timeless. Here are some other ways to save the sentimental items.
Use the material from a wedding dress to make a baptism gown, first communion gown, or ring pillow. These items can then be passed around for generations and be heirlooms.
Use some material to make a fancy cover for a wedding album.
Beads could be restrung and given as a gift to a young girl when she reaches a certain age. Even if they are not pricey, they hold sentimental value.
Lace can be saved to be used on a future wedding dress.
Lining material can be made into a playsilk, or play skirt for a little girl, or as a slip or liner for another dress.
Or, you could follow my mother's upcycling technique and let your dog sleep on your wedding dress. Ahem. :)
T-shirts
Cut into 2 inch wide strips, braid three of these strips together, as you get close to the end of one strip, you sew another on to the end (adding length) and continue braiding until you have a long coil of braid. Once you have lots of braid coiled up (you can use lots of color shirts and add on as tees wear out) you stitch them together in a circle, heart, oval, square, whatever and you have a throw rug. Some people do this with their white undershirts and sorta tie dye the braid before sewing. Pretty cool.
Make fitted diapers out of them - yes really, there are tutorials online here www.naturalviolet.blogspot.com/2009/04/recycled-t-shirt-diaper.html and here you can just use the t-shirt as a diaper, not cutting needed, cool! www.youtube.com/watch?v=XL7ZF3jlVgc
Use a serger to make them into face cloths, diaper wipes, etc.
Of course, soft tees make great dust cloths.
A little creative cutting and ribbon makes a super cute dress for a little girl look online for t-shirt made into dress tutorials. Ohhh, I can't find the tutorial! This one is complex, but great! www.indietutes.blogspot.com/2007/06/adult-tee-to-childs-dress-recon.html What I did was more like this pillow case tutorial, I just cut the sleeves off an old shirt of mine. www.everythingsewing.net/pillowcase_dress_how_to.htm
Denim
Cut offs, really, you knew that already, right? I have serged, rolled and put a few quick stitches in to make for nicer denim shorts. Not the most stylish things, but my boys really do not care.
Make a pair of jeans into a skirt using an online tutorial. www.savvyseams.com/clothing/jeanskirt.php
What about when the tear is in the crotch (hard to repair) and what about the fabric you cut off below that nasty knee tear? AHA!
Save these scraps and unuseable denim pants. Cut the good fabric on them into 6" or 8" squares, you can incorporate any fancy trim or pockets for a funky look. Sew them together with flannel squares on the back. Leave the edges raw so they fray and you have a great picnic quilt. I got this idea from the amazing Deb of Diapers by Deb at http://www.madebymama.com/. Here is a tutorial I found www.patchwork-and-quilting.com/rag-quilt.html I am working on one of these this winter and will post pictures when I finish it.
You can also save the long bits that are left over after you cut the squares off the legs and give them the same treatment we gave the t-shirts. That's right, make a braided rug. However, sewing these bad boys is not for the faint of heart! www.craftown.com/instruction/rugs.htm
What about the butt part? Make a cute purse. You could even make the straps by braiding denim strips together. Suggested by Liz. I would leave the lining out, but I guess that does make it nicer. www.threadbanger.com/post/2642/how-to-turn-old-jeans-into-a-sweet-new-purse
Children's pants
Dress pants with tattered knees get the cut off treatment, serged, rolled and stitched to make dressy shorts.
Sweat pants with tattered knees get the cut off treatment.
The legs of those sweats are cut open to lay flat, anything hard (elastic or a seam) is cut off. Then, I cut the fabric into appropriate lengths to use as diaper liners. The fabric is thick enough to keep diaper rash cream away from your diapers! After a use or two I don't feel bad throwing these away (the rash cream never completely washes out and WILL affect the absorbency of your diapers, so DO NOT wash liners with diapers!)
Other odds and ends
When flannel shirts are past their prime they are often soft. If that is the case, I will cut them into handkerchiefs for the kids. These are not necessarily pretty, but they get the job done and don't rub little faces raw. Also, flannel scraps are used to make the back of the denim quilt above!
I replaced the fabric on my dining room chairs and used the old fabric to make dish cloths. The fabric is really nubby and does a GREAT job of scrubbing.
Just about any material can be made into a diaper. If you have thought about switching to cloth diapers, but cringed at the cost, consider making your own from worn out clothing you already have or can find at thrift stores. I would reccomend using hemp, microfiber or at least flannel for the absorbent inner parts, but that would still make for a really cheap, just as effective diaper and leave you only purchasing the PUL covers. You could also go to the thrift store, buy old wool sweaters and make those into covers!
A friend recently used parts of old favorite pants to make a cute skirt. The waist was a waistband from a comfy pair of pants and she used legs from pants to create panels. Enough panels sewn together and sewn to the waist band and voila, a cute, free and comfy skirt! I would totally do this with pants that I no longer can wear, if I still love the pattern.
I know not all of these ideas would be appealing to everyone, but I hope this will make you think twice before you throw away an item of clothing that looks like it is beyond redemption.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
"I could never homeschool" (The How)
"Better you than me!" or "I can hardly stand having my kids around on the weekends." and "What about socialization?" Nearly every time I tell a non-homeschooler that I homeschool my children, I get some kind of comment along those lines. For the most part, these people are either truly impressed or they think I am nuts (if they knew me better, they would be certain I am nuts, but that happened way before I had children.) They also wonder how and why I do it.
We do a little bit of the sit and work stuff too.
We also do a lot of this. Yes, my oldest is reading to his two sisters. Do you see how one sister is just adoring her big brother and baby sister? They bring dogs into schools for kids to read to. How much better is it to read to an adoring sibling? Do you see the love? We do a LOT of loving. Hugging, playing, snuggling, wrestling, laughing and lots of loving. All with our favorite people in the world. That is what homeschooling looks like in my family.Now, what about all the housework? Well, I am no great housekeeper. I will admit, I would rather spend time playing and learning with my kids than scrubbing floors. However, cleaning does need to happen because it is no fun to play when you end up covered in cheerios and other less tasty things. Also, it is comforting to have a house that people can pop into and you will not be embarrassed. I don't quite have that, yet. If you pop into my house, you will likely find a pile of clean laundry waiting to be folded, a few dishes waiting to be washed and dirty floors. The door to the office is closed because it is downright frightening (hopefully we will fix that this weekend, FINALLY!) The downstairs bathroom shows signs of vandalism and is not always sparkling. The vandalism thing is a long potty training story and I don't want to tell it right now. Just making sure you understand, my home would cause Martha Stewart to have a conniption fit.
We teach our children to help out around the house and we will soon institute a chore chart. I do think it is important for people to take care of their homes. There is no reason why one of us should do all the cleaning for 7 people. Children need to be taught how to care for their home, clothes, vehicles and selves. We call it being a good steward of the blessings God has given us. I have a weekly group meeting at our house and that has been a great way to make sure the weekly chores get done consistently. My scientist husband calls it a "forcing function." I like that.
Oh, I also don't sign up every child for every activity under the sun. I am a homeschooler, not an out-of-the-house-all-day-schooler. I should warn you, it will only take one comment or question about socialization to open a can of worms. Fear not, we are not Socialists ;) We attend church, have a small group that meets at our house for bible study, go to the Y for Homeschool PE and are part of a homeschool co-op type thing. Oh, and there are two homeschool families in our neighborhood with children around the same age as mine. So, lots of chances to accumulate lots of different friends. Yes, almost all of them homeschool. If you think that means they are all the same you don't know homeschoolers!
That is the hows of homeschooling. Next up, the whys. I have some 'splainin' to do.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wuv, twue wuv
Lately, I find myself thinking of love and marriage. This is all Denise's fault. ;) My favorite cousin Denise has found a great guy to marry. The other Nate is smart, as evidenced by the fact he knows Denise is a keeper. He likes to play games, likes my kids, and he is not creepy, all points in his favor. He has a quirky sense of humor and being quirky myself, I appreciate that. See, I like the guy. As I told my other favorite cousin, Tom, a few years ago, "If you don't keep this one, we will keep this one and get rid of you." Not a threat.
Anytime someone I love is embarking on this amazing, stunning, scary journey, there are so many things I want to say. I don't have enough time chatting with Denise (and I miss her!) and I am the younger cousin and she probably does not want to hear it all anyway. Instead, you my beloved readers (all three of you) will get to hear my thoughts on love and marriage. I have only been married 12 years (God willing, that will be no more than 1/6 of the total time my husband and I will be together) but I have learned a few things that have saved my butt and my marriage. I will also tell you a few things I should be doing, but I may not tell you which is which.
First, there is nothing and nobody more important than your spouse. Seriously, after God himself, nothing and nobody should be swaying your thoughts, feelings or desires except your husband or wife. If you find yourself sharing more of yourself with anyone or anything than with your spouse, you are chipping away at your marriage. I call this a mental affair. This does not just happen with the opposite sex either. I caught myself spending more time chatting with my online friends than I spent chatting with my husband. Ehh, innocent enough, I suppose, even beneficial, since these are all lovely, intelligent women, great moms and a few Titus 2 women mixed in. Except, it was this little crack starting in my marriage relationship because I would forget to tell him things that I had told my friends. I could see how easy it would be to alienate myself from my husband. If I can not tell my husband about my worries and concerns, I am closing off a part of myself to him. It was also indicative of a little relationship rot. I mean, something is sick and needs to be fixed, if I am not trusting my spouse with my whole self. Ditto on the things. If you can make time to go golfing, fishing, gaming, swimming, whatever, you can find time to spend with your spouse at least once a week. It is about priorities. Now, with five homeschooled kiddos and a sick Dad, I don't always find time to spend with my husband once a week, just him and I. I need to work on that, even if it is time spent together after the kids go to bed. Oh, and time spent washing the dishes while I fold the clothes does NOT count!
Second, don't keep secrets from your spouse. I mean, no secrets beyond surprises. If you don't know where the line is, you are moving your line too often. Let me spell it out. You may keep to yourself what you are buying your husband for his birthday, or other holidays. You may keep from your spouse that you are planning a surprise for him. You may not keep anything else from him. I know, that sounds so black and white and harsh. I don't mean that you have to give your spouse a blow by blow account of every day of your life, present receipts and allow him to check your online history and phone records. Nah, anyone who wants that much detail about every day of your life has problems (and you may not want to marry him!) However, if you find yourself wanting to keep information from your spouse, there is a little crack in your relationship and it needs to be tended. It is the things you don't want to tell your spouse that you most likely really need to tell. It may seem like such a little thing, but if your spouse knows you are always open and honest with the little things, it is easier to trust you when the big things come along.
Third, give a little, compromise, be thoughtful; to speak all Christiany, die to yourself. You are not the center of this marriage. I heard my friend Elijah Ward's dad put it best at Elijah's wedding. He said a good marriage was not a 50/50 partnership, but rather a 60/60 partnership. Each person in the marriage should be trying to do a little more than the other is doing. You could also say you should become a servant to your spouse. I mean that in the way Christ was a servant, dying to present the church as His bride, perfect and holy to His Father. In real world terms, that means little things like letting the toilet paper hang the way your spouse wants it, eating food you don't like every once in a while because your spouse cooked it or loves it, painting a couple rooms of the house in your spouse's favorite color. It may also mean some bigger things, giving up some "me time", quitting your great job and moving so that your spouse can pursue that dream, having sex when you don't want to or not having sex when you really do want it. Of course, in a marriage where both are dying to self, the little and big sacrifices balance out and nobody feels like they are the one giving everything up. Although, season to season the giving up may be lopsided, it all comes out in the wash.
Don't let the sun go down on your anger. This is huge. Anger is a poisonous weed. If you leave it to grow, it multiplies quickly, sending up little shoots of anger into every aspect of your marriage and it makes you sick. You don't have to work out your difference of opinion and get to the point where you agree that night. You do have to stop arguing about it and admit that both of you have a valid view point. You do have to remind yourself that you love this person, that you think they are smart, kind, loving, etc. You need to check back in on what made you marry this person and turn to him or her and say "I love you and we need to talk about this, but it deserves more thought and a good night's sleep and I don't want to go to bed angry. Please forgive me for what I have said and let's talk about it again later?" Okay, you don't have to use that script, but the gist is necessary. You may not be sorry about your viewpoint, but if you are not already, you will be sorry about rude or unloving words. It also helps to put some distance to the argument, sometimes what seemed really important one day seems somewhat silly the next. I also like praying and asking my spouse to pray over an issue. I can't tell you how many times, after praying, we have found ourselves completely on the same page when we weren't even in the same book before!
Love is a verb. Too many people think it is something you feel or fall into. You may very well feel love for your spouse quite often and you may feel that you have fallen in love with your spouse and that is fantastic! Just remember to make love a verb in your marriage. Act on those feelings and love your spouse even when you don't feel those feelings. Yeah, that is the hard part, the unnatural part, the mature part and the important part. It is also amazing. When I hit those times when I really want to hate my husband, if I choose to actively love him, I start to feel love for him again. So, lets say he has failed to take the trash out to the road some animal comes along and rips into it spreading nastiness all over the yard. I have a choice here. I can fume, curse and talk about what an idiot he is and call him up at work and yell at him. I can also take about a hundred deep breaths, remind myself of how much my husband loves me, how great he is with our kids, how goofy and funny he is and I can go out, clean up the trash and, when he gets home, nicely ask him to please take it to the dump on his way to work tomorrow. I can also make it part of my week's work to put a note on the door the day before trash is to be picked up. That is not so hard and it is certainly easier than doing it myself. In short, I can choose to love my husband and be sweet to him.
I wish I did all of these things all the time. I wish I did some of them even some of the time. I also know I have not covered everything (laughing, playing, eating and working together as often as possible and taking an interest in each other's hobbies, etc.) but this is just lessons learned from the first 12 years. God willing, I will have many more years to learn so much more and I know that every moment I am given to live as my husband's wife, I am learning.
I learned something a couple weeks ago that shocked me. One evening, my husband was sick and napping on the couch. I woke him up, so we could go up to bed. He blinked his eyes, stared at me with this look of amazement, and in an awe filled voice he said "You're beautiful. You are so amazingly beautiful." I looked behind me thinking "Oh my gosh, he is seeing something, maybe he was sicker than I thought." Then, I realized, he was looking at me and he really meant it. He had no time to think up a compliment, I was hearing his immediate reaction upon waking to my face near his. He always tells me I am beautiful, but I thought he was just saying it. That night, I realized, he really means it. I also realized, every woman should have a husband who truly thinks she is naturally and absolutely beautiful.
So, as I get ready to haul my lovely large family up the coast line (just ahead of a hurricane!) I wanted to say something to Denise, who I hope will read this. The best times are ahead of you. You have had good times and bad times before this, but these will be the best because you have someone to share them with, the good, the bad and everything in between. I know you will have a strong, fun, beautiful marriage and if Nate does not treat you well, I'll get in line to take my turn with him. Nate, I really do like you lots, but, ya know, she's my big sister! You are a brave man entering this family. ;)
Anytime someone I love is embarking on this amazing, stunning, scary journey, there are so many things I want to say. I don't have enough time chatting with Denise (and I miss her!) and I am the younger cousin and she probably does not want to hear it all anyway. Instead, you my beloved readers (all three of you) will get to hear my thoughts on love and marriage. I have only been married 12 years (God willing, that will be no more than 1/6 of the total time my husband and I will be together) but I have learned a few things that have saved my butt and my marriage. I will also tell you a few things I should be doing, but I may not tell you which is which.
First, there is nothing and nobody more important than your spouse. Seriously, after God himself, nothing and nobody should be swaying your thoughts, feelings or desires except your husband or wife. If you find yourself sharing more of yourself with anyone or anything than with your spouse, you are chipping away at your marriage. I call this a mental affair. This does not just happen with the opposite sex either. I caught myself spending more time chatting with my online friends than I spent chatting with my husband. Ehh, innocent enough, I suppose, even beneficial, since these are all lovely, intelligent women, great moms and a few Titus 2 women mixed in. Except, it was this little crack starting in my marriage relationship because I would forget to tell him things that I had told my friends. I could see how easy it would be to alienate myself from my husband. If I can not tell my husband about my worries and concerns, I am closing off a part of myself to him. It was also indicative of a little relationship rot. I mean, something is sick and needs to be fixed, if I am not trusting my spouse with my whole self. Ditto on the things. If you can make time to go golfing, fishing, gaming, swimming, whatever, you can find time to spend with your spouse at least once a week. It is about priorities. Now, with five homeschooled kiddos and a sick Dad, I don't always find time to spend with my husband once a week, just him and I. I need to work on that, even if it is time spent together after the kids go to bed. Oh, and time spent washing the dishes while I fold the clothes does NOT count!
Second, don't keep secrets from your spouse. I mean, no secrets beyond surprises. If you don't know where the line is, you are moving your line too often. Let me spell it out. You may keep to yourself what you are buying your husband for his birthday, or other holidays. You may keep from your spouse that you are planning a surprise for him. You may not keep anything else from him. I know, that sounds so black and white and harsh. I don't mean that you have to give your spouse a blow by blow account of every day of your life, present receipts and allow him to check your online history and phone records. Nah, anyone who wants that much detail about every day of your life has problems (and you may not want to marry him!) However, if you find yourself wanting to keep information from your spouse, there is a little crack in your relationship and it needs to be tended. It is the things you don't want to tell your spouse that you most likely really need to tell. It may seem like such a little thing, but if your spouse knows you are always open and honest with the little things, it is easier to trust you when the big things come along.
Third, give a little, compromise, be thoughtful; to speak all Christiany, die to yourself. You are not the center of this marriage. I heard my friend Elijah Ward's dad put it best at Elijah's wedding. He said a good marriage was not a 50/50 partnership, but rather a 60/60 partnership. Each person in the marriage should be trying to do a little more than the other is doing. You could also say you should become a servant to your spouse. I mean that in the way Christ was a servant, dying to present the church as His bride, perfect and holy to His Father. In real world terms, that means little things like letting the toilet paper hang the way your spouse wants it, eating food you don't like every once in a while because your spouse cooked it or loves it, painting a couple rooms of the house in your spouse's favorite color. It may also mean some bigger things, giving up some "me time", quitting your great job and moving so that your spouse can pursue that dream, having sex when you don't want to or not having sex when you really do want it. Of course, in a marriage where both are dying to self, the little and big sacrifices balance out and nobody feels like they are the one giving everything up. Although, season to season the giving up may be lopsided, it all comes out in the wash.
Don't let the sun go down on your anger. This is huge. Anger is a poisonous weed. If you leave it to grow, it multiplies quickly, sending up little shoots of anger into every aspect of your marriage and it makes you sick. You don't have to work out your difference of opinion and get to the point where you agree that night. You do have to stop arguing about it and admit that both of you have a valid view point. You do have to remind yourself that you love this person, that you think they are smart, kind, loving, etc. You need to check back in on what made you marry this person and turn to him or her and say "I love you and we need to talk about this, but it deserves more thought and a good night's sleep and I don't want to go to bed angry. Please forgive me for what I have said and let's talk about it again later?" Okay, you don't have to use that script, but the gist is necessary. You may not be sorry about your viewpoint, but if you are not already, you will be sorry about rude or unloving words. It also helps to put some distance to the argument, sometimes what seemed really important one day seems somewhat silly the next. I also like praying and asking my spouse to pray over an issue. I can't tell you how many times, after praying, we have found ourselves completely on the same page when we weren't even in the same book before!
Love is a verb. Too many people think it is something you feel or fall into. You may very well feel love for your spouse quite often and you may feel that you have fallen in love with your spouse and that is fantastic! Just remember to make love a verb in your marriage. Act on those feelings and love your spouse even when you don't feel those feelings. Yeah, that is the hard part, the unnatural part, the mature part and the important part. It is also amazing. When I hit those times when I really want to hate my husband, if I choose to actively love him, I start to feel love for him again. So, lets say he has failed to take the trash out to the road some animal comes along and rips into it spreading nastiness all over the yard. I have a choice here. I can fume, curse and talk about what an idiot he is and call him up at work and yell at him. I can also take about a hundred deep breaths, remind myself of how much my husband loves me, how great he is with our kids, how goofy and funny he is and I can go out, clean up the trash and, when he gets home, nicely ask him to please take it to the dump on his way to work tomorrow. I can also make it part of my week's work to put a note on the door the day before trash is to be picked up. That is not so hard and it is certainly easier than doing it myself. In short, I can choose to love my husband and be sweet to him.
I wish I did all of these things all the time. I wish I did some of them even some of the time. I also know I have not covered everything (laughing, playing, eating and working together as often as possible and taking an interest in each other's hobbies, etc.) but this is just lessons learned from the first 12 years. God willing, I will have many more years to learn so much more and I know that every moment I am given to live as my husband's wife, I am learning.
I learned something a couple weeks ago that shocked me. One evening, my husband was sick and napping on the couch. I woke him up, so we could go up to bed. He blinked his eyes, stared at me with this look of amazement, and in an awe filled voice he said "You're beautiful. You are so amazingly beautiful." I looked behind me thinking "Oh my gosh, he is seeing something, maybe he was sicker than I thought." Then, I realized, he was looking at me and he really meant it. He had no time to think up a compliment, I was hearing his immediate reaction upon waking to my face near his. He always tells me I am beautiful, but I thought he was just saying it. That night, I realized, he really means it. I also realized, every woman should have a husband who truly thinks she is naturally and absolutely beautiful.
So, as I get ready to haul my lovely large family up the coast line (just ahead of a hurricane!) I wanted to say something to Denise, who I hope will read this. The best times are ahead of you. You have had good times and bad times before this, but these will be the best because you have someone to share them with, the good, the bad and everything in between. I know you will have a strong, fun, beautiful marriage and if Nate does not treat you well, I'll get in line to take my turn with him. Nate, I really do like you lots, but, ya know, she's my big sister! You are a brave man entering this family. ;)
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